Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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