i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
