I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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