Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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