Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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