What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
