Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
