You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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