before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
