No more Irish car bombs ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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