My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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