So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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