I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
