I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
