i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
