We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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