i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
