I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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