Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
two words: eviction party
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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