i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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