I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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