We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
