Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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