So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
