Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
