I heard we made out
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
