my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
