trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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