i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My vagina just recognized that song.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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