there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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