By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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