turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
