Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
