i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
