Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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