That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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