I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
