My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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