he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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