I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you had me at cake vodka
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
