Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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