So drunk its hurt
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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