More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
