Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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