I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize