Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
