the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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