I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
