Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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