if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
