My sheets look like a crime scene.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
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Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
should my penis look like a turkey
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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