It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
