i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
