I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
