Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
