i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
