Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
a search helicopter?!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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