Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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