have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Randomize
