I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
